If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
