I saw his package. It spoke to me.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
