A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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