so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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