she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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