someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
