I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
