just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
