i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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