So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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