Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
