Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
