make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I smell like Dick and happiness
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