mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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