i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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