She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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