All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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