Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Randomize
