How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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