I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Randomize