I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
