dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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