hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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