I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize