Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
