I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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