love makes seman taste better
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
