ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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