hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
