i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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