I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
