Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
