you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
