I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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