The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
