so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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