So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
