i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
