saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
