My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Randomize
