I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize