Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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