she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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