who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
