took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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