It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
