She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Randomize