Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
