The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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