4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Randomize
