I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
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