I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
