I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
