The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
