I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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