Swine flu. Run for my life!
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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