she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
