A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
BRING THE BAGELS
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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